hope.

Photo credit to Julie Hegger *

4. Accept that you have changed.

"Although you didn't ask for this test of your endurance--and would reverse the circumstances if given the choice--you will discover that you are more resilient, less afraid, more empathetic and understanding as a result of what has happened to you. You are not the same person you were before the suicide and will never be. You life will be different, your friends will be different, and even your dreams and expectations will be different. Sadness and pining for the "old you" will be offset, hopefully, as you embrace the "new you" and your new reality."

--"Touched by Suicide. Hope and Healing After Loss." by Michael F Myers and Carla Fine.

In the wise words of Taylor Swift (I know, I know)...

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."

I've struggled with this for the past 2 years of my life.

I constantly am analyzing myself to make sure I'm up to "Par" on who or what I once was.

I have found myself trying so hard to go back to who I was before, that I'm not quite sure how to move forward in to who I have become.

Things are different. I am different. Friends are different. Family is different. 

For a girl who loves change, this might be just a little to much change for me.

I spent the summer trying to decipher between depression and grief.

Why did I not want to hang out with my friends?

Why did I always feel like I couldn't be "present" in a group of people?

I've never been able to express my thoughts out loud to others, and if I try it doesn't come out right. 

I'm in a battle with myself.

I don't want to let go of my free spirited self. 

I don't want relationships to change.

I don't want to have the word "suicide" always in the back of my head.

I don't want to have to justify feelings this way...

But at the end of most days, and even as I sit here writing this, I know that life will move on. That the second year is always the hardest. That I have family and friends supporting me. That I have my precious Father in Heaven holding me along the way. That relationships can be mended and renewed. and the power of the name Jesus can mend brokenness. That this world is only temporary. 

That there is hope in His Kingdom.

...and that the Lord gave me this man 3 months after I loss my dad for a reason.

Hold on to Hope.