reassurance.

If I could skip over the month of February, I would be more than willing. 

There is a subtle grey cloud that lingers over my mind during those 28 days. 

Memories of specific events that flood my thoughts and cause a sense of relapse into what happened.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to lose my dad. I didn't ask to carry this grief. I didn't ask to have my life changed so dramatically. I didn't ask to feel so hostile. I didn't ask to lose relationships.

 I didn't ask for any of it.

And yet here I am. Trying so hard to fit into this new person because of it... 

I started this post last night, and left feeling more empty after writing it than before. But as I opened my "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young tonight, it's like I got a slap in the face by the Lord saying,
"Just let go and listen to Me. Only Me."

In regards to distractions in my life:

February 16: "Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in my Kingdom have been done from sickbeds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."

In regards to fighting for my old self:

February 17: "I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man making image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade MORE and MORE areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone."

In regards to these roller coasters of emotions:

February 18: "I am with you. These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair. Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience. But the promise of My Presence limits how far down you can go. Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted let you down. Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically. Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help. You recall that not only am I with you; I am holding you by your right hand. I guide you with My counsel, and afterward I will take you into Glory. This is exactly the perspective you need: The reassurance of My Presence and the glorious hope of Heaven."

I am thankful for such great wisdom in my life.

I am thankful for a man who loves me when I don't know how.

I am thankful for redemption and grace in every possible form.

I am thankful for peace when life seems too much.

I am thankful for people who know how to stop and listen.

I am thankful for conviction and "come to Jesus" moments.

I am thankful that I don't have to do life all by myself.

I am thankful that every day can be brand new.